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The Conundrum of Existence
20 most recent entries

Date:2005-10-23 23:25
Subject:Memories of Granddad Joke
Mood: sad

My Grandfather passed away friday night. He ment a lot to me. I'm wrestling with whether I will have the strength to say something myself, or have the minister say it for me. Either way, this is what I've prepared:

This is my fondest conscious memory of Granddad Joke. Whenever I was over at their house he and I would either stay inside or go out on the front porch and play chess. He never held back. I never won a game, well...almost never. We were outside this particular day and we were going back and forth and I was actually doing quite well. Finally I did it, I won! I beat my mentor. I was so thrilled about it. It wasn't till later that I found out I had made an illegal move that I didn't know about and he let it slide without telling me. So I guess I still never "won" a game, but he sure made me feel like I've never lost. So until the next game Granddad Joke, keep the caffeine free diet coke cold, the Tostitos by your side, tell Muffet and Rocky I'll see them soon, and practice, cause I will beat you for real when next we meet. I love you.

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Date:2005-08-02 01:26
Subject:I hate assholes!
Mood: pissed off

So Lauren, Nikkol, and I go to meet with people from her work at friday's (after the destination is changed for the third time). I'm not feeling going out, but she says she really wants me there in that tone like someone's gonna be there she doesn't feel comfortable with, so I go. It wasn't mentioned to me that it was going to be a bunch of marines. I hate marines. She knows I hate marines. I'm sure there are a few good ones out there, but I've never met one. Lauren and Nikkol say something in private and one of them pushes to find out what it was. Pushes to the point I was getting ready to tell him to back off when she said something to him to shut him up. I realize this isn't going to be just a drink and then home as the girls get shots. So I go and get a drink, figuring by the time it's out of my system they'll be ok to drive as well. Within ten minutes one of the jar heads starts talking like he wants to fight some dude cause he's gay. One of his boys tries to calm him down, but he's not having it. As he's being told to chill I couldn't take it anymore and I started telling him to "calm the fuck down and leave him alone". Finally this all ends. At this point i'm pissed. Lauren gets up to pay her tab and leave. Now I've wasted money I didn't really have on a drink that I've had two sips of and I had to deal with stupid shit. What a fucking waste of a night. Fuck marines.

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Date:2005-05-20 09:53
Subject:Soooo Tired...
Mood: happy

Well, I have prooven beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am a complete dork. Not that most of you didn't already know that, but yeah. I have now seen Star Wars III 4 times in 48 hrs. Oh yeah, what's up now? So yeah, we did a launch party for episode III's first showing and it went off without a hitch. Fun times, fun times. Anyway, what's next. Oh yeah, Lauren and I are still together, still going strong (song reference?). We are moving this weekend, which I am looking forward to greatly. I must say that I absolutely love this girl. I mean, head over heels, compleately ga-ga for her. I feel fulfilled for the first time in my life. eXophonic entertainment is going great. my career is at an impass. I'm in love. Life is good. Oh, and she's a dork too! She was there with Hodge and I for 2 of the showings! Not cause I begged her to go, but because she genuinely wanted too. Woooooooo! I found a keeper, I found a keeper! Anyway, I must depart to go to work. Till next time all!

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Date:2005-05-04 11:38
Subject:I know, I know, I need to update more often
Mood: peaceful

I'm happy. I mean honeslty happy. I've made a bunch of people mad. Lost my promotion at work. Had some issues with eXophonic (which are resolved). Yet I'm happy. My life is finally in balance. Granted I'm not sure what sleep is anymore, but at the same time, in some ways, I'm more alert and rested than ever before. I'm thinking of a line in Kid Rock's Picture. "Wish I had a good girl to miss me..." That prase right there has been an issue for me all my life. Now, I will not detract from anyone that I've been with. I have picked very well in my time, but this one is different. I can't put my finger on it, but there is something there that has been absent from my life. I'm not saying anything more on that publically yet, but all in due time. Till next months post...lol

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Date:2005-03-24 15:38
Subject:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! whew, that's better :-)
Mood: restless

Writer's block, or in this case artist's block, sucks. I need to make new posters for eXophonic but I am drawing nothing but blanks. (Like the play on words? ha ha) So, I come to bug you all. Hi. Not High, hi. This would be easier the other way, but no. I know the sorce of the block. I'm over taxed. 60 hrs a week on these two jobs, all the while juggling a personal life and trying to find a place to live by the end of the month wich is oh, 7 days from now, I really am not feeling too creative. :-) Not sure if that's a coping mechanism smile or a genuine one, but it'll do. In the past few months I been a part of a new company launch, lost two very close friends, looked at an old relationship with new possibilities, had more dumped on me at work, had my social life turned upside down....too much, but complaining isn't gonna do anything. I feel I've alienated a lot of people recently cause I'm so overloaded that I spill out on them and they are sick of me for now. So, please, stop reading this. This one's for me. I hold no malice to anyone that I pour my crap onto, I just needed to vent into nothing. Makes it easier to say these things. Even though there is still a lot that only I can hear for now. Ah well. Off to work. Later.

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Date:2005-03-21 14:55
Subject:...you use this chance to be heard, your time is now...
Mood: rejuvenated

Life is interesting. Sitting at Denny's last night was so familiar, yet new. Some character changes, a lot of existing character development, new locations. Great stories of the domain of kings (see also 3 other lj's on my friends list for more details). A well of emotions that I have yet to understand let alone grasp a hold of. Interesting, but satisfying. Ultimately I'm happy, and I don't know how to deal with that ;-) but I'm glad to have the chance to learn how to again. Thanks Kima. Thanks Statix. Thanks Hodge. Thanks Pibby. You all have been my only ray of sunshine in a time of the most transition in my life to date. For me, hard times are ahead, I'm just glad I’ll have you guys to see me through it.

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Date:2005-03-12 10:58
Subject:OK, endulge me. I never do these things, but I was curious.
Mood: happy

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.


You Are 28 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

interesting. I'da figured 90 something. lol

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Date:2005-02-15 11:29
Subject:the genesis of a new begining
Mood: optimistic

A lot has happened since my last post. Relationships have come and gone. Friendships have formed and faded. Most importantly Hodge, Jon Maynard, and I have purchased Zoned Entertainment from Eddie and have re-branded as eXophonic entertainment. So far some exiting things have happened. We've already expanded into another night at cafe New Orleans. We've got leads on a couple other gigs. It's all coming together finally. It has required almost every waking moment I've had to get things going, but it is easily worth it. I can't wait till everything we want to do in the future comes to fruition. Till next time...

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Date:2005-01-26 18:10
Subject:Congrats to my idol!
Mood: ecstatic

Hodge rocked the house at the brigade last night! The new ending to Sober was amazing. I just had to say something about it. later.

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Date:2005-01-26 17:18
Subject:Too much love...
Mood: contemplative

Been listening to a song lately. I'm finding it pertaining to my life quite a bit. I'll pull some lyrics and explain. Let's take the first chorus:

Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

The past few years it has been my resolution to just move on after a relationship ends. This has made things easier in the respect of not overtly fretting over a failed attempt at love. I am noticing now that I may have picked the most self-destructive path as the wounds of the past have not healed. Simple decisions and feelings that should be decisive are now giving way to un-resolved emotions. Now, I have known this whole time that this is not the best way, but I've ignored that better judgmentcompletely. Now, I'm not saying that I'm overwhelmed by emotion and spiraling downward like I was last year, no. What I am saying is that there are moments, after everyone is gone, after the curtain closes and the lights fade, that I still hurt over love lost. I've told myself that these feelings wouldn't get in my way, but now I wonder if I've been successful.
Even as I'm typing this I am realizing that I've done this too often in other aspects of my life. Is this normal? Does everyone go through this? I've hidden from this issue for a while now. I've needed to "suck it up" and get my act together. I am on the precipice of success finally. It's been a long road, and it still is ahead, but finally I am on my way again after last years detour. Back to the subject.
I wonder if this has left me in an emotionally raw state? I am more in control of myself this time round and I've thought that I was finally through this. So I've put myself back on "the market". Now it is becoming painfully clear that I am just masking it. Aren't we all though? To quote another song "inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on"

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Date:2004-12-07 12:19
Mood: awake

Ok, so i'm under nitrous oxide for about an hour and when I come out of it I find that they couldn't do the root canal. I know it's not the dentist's fault, and I'm not mad at him at all. I am frustrated though cause now I have to go in to a specialist. Ah well, what are you going to do? Anyway. That's all that I've been up to this past week. Can't wait till it's over. I want to eat peanuts again! ;-) Later all.

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Date:2004-11-17 13:16
Subject:The Epic 20th Post and the Hopefull Full-time Return of The Conundrum
Mood: restless

Good lord it's been a long time. I have found myself with time. This is so weird. I haven't had very many moments to myself where I felt like actually being productive. It's been a long road, getting from there to here.....wait, that's a song. It has been an awfully long and unbelievably eventful couple of months since my last full-time post in here.
So, begin. The end of the "Third Renaissance" of the karaoke group seems to have come to a close, and MustangKelley, wonderland218, Hodge242 and I are trying to figure out where to go from here. We all love the various members of this last group, so we don't want to lose them, but at the same time, the possibility of what's to come is exciting. Hodge and I have started writing some and just need to find some people who can play to join us in doing this. We've decided to say screw waiting for now and just start doing it ourselves with a four track (though we need to find one...lol). In a personal victory for me, I have been able to write here lately. I'm still not at the point of writing anything but lyrics, but for anyone who knows me in a band setting this is a triumph indeed. This inaugural ball is going to be great. My father, whose band the Southern Winds Band (www.southernwindsband.com) is playing for the third consecutive time at the ball in DC, has once again gotten me in. But this time I was able to procure 4 tickets. I can't wait. An old dear friend of mine, Monica, will be accompanying me, and Hodge242 and his girlfriend Amy, will be joining us. This will be great!
Now onto my professional life. Nextel is going amazing. Since my last post I have worked my way into first place in the store, and fairly consistently top five in the DC South district. I love this job. I've been in charge of training all three of our new reps, which is something I absolutely love. So much so that I am going after a promotion of sorts. We have, under the company Nextel Communications, two banners: Nextel, and Boost Mobile. Both of these entities are Nextel to us, just different to the public. I'm working on becoming a Field Marketing Agent for Boost, in other words a sales trainer. I would get to travel around the greater DC area teaching people about our product, showing them all the cool new stuff, and getting to meet a lot of people. This is so tailor made for me. I wont get the interview till next month and it wouldn't start for a couple months after that, but still, it is exciting.
Now it's time to say goodbye. Well, I think that's enough for now. I should be writing fairly frequently now, at least once a week as I have a day off. Next time I'll probably post one of my songs for you guys to look over and give feedback on. Till next time...

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Date:2004-06-23 23:47
Subject:Exhaustion, the mother of sleep
Mood: busy

Hidey Ho neighbors! Still gonna be a while before I can post regularly. I am in a very transitional time right now. I am moving again, temporarily, only this will be my last stop before I get a place of my own with Hodge. This entry is going to be short. It's more or less to let everyone know I am still alive and "well". ;-)

I have to call out one thing. I don't know if and how many people know this, but I feel everyone should. A couple weeks ago, someone did something that touched me. I had to go to the emergency room because the pain in my tooth was unbearable and my insurance hadn't kicked in with NexTel yet. I went on to AIM to see who was on just before I left and saw Kima. Long story short, she came with me to the emergency room so that I wouldn't be alone there. God knows that she didn't have to do that, but she did anyway. That just goes to show the kinda person Kima is. Despite the fact that we've drifted apart for many reasons, I know that I can count on her if I need a friend. I hope that she will keep in mind that I am there for her as well, whenever she needs anyone. She knows how to find me. I owe her a lot for all she's done for me. I am worried cause I haven't heard from or about her recently, so Kim, if you read this, and you need to talk about or need help with anything, I will be there for you.

Hope ya'll like my new pic. It's a place holder for the three new ones that I am working on converting to GIF's. No time to do that now. So much for a short entry. LOL. I just felt that needed to be known. To all of you, I love you all and can't wait to get back to updating regularly. Till next time, elevate the devices with which you destroy wrinkles...

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Date:2004-06-02 11:12
Subject:Journal Entry 18 - Hello, are you still there? Sorry, wrong number.
Mood: contemplative

Hello friends. It's been a while, I know. With my mother's recovery and starting a new job, my life has been....hectic? :-) I am in good spirits for a change. A welcomed change, I might add. NexTel is going great! It is a pain in the @$$ at times, but we try to keep each other laughing through the day and it helps make a fun environment to work in. I knew it would be this way though. That is why I went through 8 months of background check issues and re-applying. I knew it would pay off in the end, and as where that hasn't happened monetarily yet (still waiting on that first paycheck) it has paid off mentally. It feels great to be doing what I know best again. Moving on though, my mother went for her first check up yesterday and they said it was going to be another 4 weeks before she could return to work. She's not happy with that, but after the last surgery/recovery debacle, she is inclined to listen to the doctor this time. (love ya mom).

This past week, but even more to the point, these past two days have been interesting for me. I've been haunted by a melody that, up till recently and with fair success, I've been able to put behind me. It has held such meaning in the past that I've had to lock it away for a bit. I've been able to listen to it whenever I pop in that album and just listen past it, but on monday, I just couldn't stop playing it on my way to work (which is like 15 minutes away, so not playing it all day). The thing that makes it interesting is that I'm not sure whether it's a bad thing or not. Now most of you think I'm nuts right now. I say most because, with the exception of two (or maybe 3 people if one is still reading LJ), none of you have much of a clue as to what I am talking about. Then again, I'm not sure I do. :-) There is more to this than I can tell to all. Those confidantes that I have though will undoubtedly hear the rest at some point. Ah well, maybe it's just co-dependence, maybe it's a lingering emotion, maybe it's hope, maybe it's the pizza I ate yesterday...who knows?

Till next time....Levitate the Minerals!

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Date:2004-05-27 12:57
Subject:Jornal Entry 17.1 - On Regrets Pond...
Mood: annoyed

I've spent my whole life trying to never look back and regret anything. All these years in the belief that no matter what has happened I would not be the person that I am today if it were not for each and every one of those events. But with certain events in the past few weeks I've been wondering if it wouldn't have been best for some of those events to have never taken place, maybe I wouldn't be the person I am right now. As of late I think that would be a good thing. I've become a very volatile person. My mood changes without warning. In recent years I have been able to control one problem of mine, and that is taking what ever anyone says to me or about me personaly. Now, by control the problem, I mean limited the range of it. Now it's only when people I care about say things to me that it effects me. Now, when you mix that problem with a newly volatile persona, you get a very bad mix. I wasn't always like this. In fact it wasn't till this last year, aka the year of hell, that I became like this.

Ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that I regret quite a bit of what has happened to me in the past 12 months. This is no way to live. It's time to make some changes. Unfortunately change is not always popular, nor is it always easy, but in this case it is necessary. So, here goes nothing.

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Date:2004-05-20 21:55
Subject:Journal Entry 16.1 - Finally, The Conundrum Has Come Back to LiveJournal!
Mood: exhausted

Greetings all! These past couple weeks have been exaughsting. I have been through ups (hanging with friends, seeing some movies, hanging out with an old friend, my mother's surgery going well, etc.) and some downs (over-taxing myself, a close friend leaving, 2 members of the MWH staff during my mothers surgery, etc.). All in all I've come out unscathed. As always, life has a way of working itself out for the better, whether or not we see it. I will post some more at a later date, but for now I need my rest. The past couple days have been quite taxing. Till next time I leave you with my mythological form (seeing as how this quizlet seems to have made it's rounds in our circle). Later.

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

BTW, for the group I'm listening to, Click Here:

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Date:2004-05-06 10:23
Subject:Journal Entry 15.1 - Finally, some good news!
Mood: ecstatic

Well, according to a less famous maynard, all I do is post moody lyrics and apologies so time for some good news! I GOT INTO NEXTEL!!!!! Anyone who knows about this epic struggle of man vs. background checks knows just how awesome this news is. I'm actually about to get ready to go fill out the paperwork, so this entry will be a short one. I just figured I needed to break up the cloud of depression that has plagued my journal as of late.

Tonight's gonna rock. Go fill out paperwork, close at gamestop, chill with hodge242, then off to the aquia to watch Van Helsing! In closing, I'd like to quote the great Ric Flair when I say "Wooooooooooooooo!"

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Date:2004-05-03 22:10
Subject:Journal Entry 14.1 - An appology
Mood: distressed

Friday night I hurt a couple people that are very close to me. I can't apologize for the way I felt, because I can't help that. I can however apologize for the way I handled it. I should've never reacted that way, but I did out of sheer emotion and what I got in return was sheer emotion. All of it was negative on both sides unfortunatley. All I know is that I've made ammends with one of them, one i don't know where they stand or even what they know (but amends will be attempted reguardless), and the other seems to detest me. All I can say is that I never ment to hurt anyone, and I know that no harm was ment to me by anyone. I hope that we can all forgive and put this behind us, cause I love you guys too much to fight with you. So in closing, I'm sorry and I pray you'll forgive me.

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Date:2004-05-02 13:38
Subject:Journal Entry 13.1 - Lucky number 13
Mood: depressed

I have everything to post about, yet nothing to say. I will post some lines from bottom, a song from tool off the undertow album. It's the closest representation of how I feel right now.

it leaves me
guilt fed
hatred fed
weakness fed
and it makes me feel ugly
i'm on my knees and burning
my piss and moans are the fuel
that set my head on fire
i'm dead inside

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Date:2004-04-29 14:53
Subject:Journal Entry 12.1 - Curemania
Mood: ecstatic

Hello all! I have been watching all of the Cure's music videos today thanks to Launch from Yahoo!Networks. I reccomend everyone go at least watch the songs you know, cause the videos are great. Boy's Don't Cry was weird as all hell and Friday I'm in Love is just zany. CUt heRE is a very beautiful song and has a really cool music video attached to it. Here's the link: http://launch.yahoo.com/artist/videos.asp?artistID=1006316 You do need to be signed into yahoo to view, but I recomend that you do. Till later everyone.

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