conundrum82 (conundrum82) wrote,

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Too much love...

Been listening to a song lately. I'm finding it pertaining to my life quite a bit. I'll pull some lyrics and explain. Let's take the first chorus:

Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

The past few years it has been my resolution to just move on after a relationship ends. This has made things easier in the respect of not overtly fretting over a failed attempt at love. I am noticing now that I may have picked the most self-destructive path as the wounds of the past have not healed. Simple decisions and feelings that should be decisive are now giving way to un-resolved emotions. Now, I have known this whole time that this is not the best way, but I've ignored that better judgmentcompletely. Now, I'm not saying that I'm overwhelmed by emotion and spiraling downward like I was last year, no. What I am saying is that there are moments, after everyone is gone, after the curtain closes and the lights fade, that I still hurt over love lost. I've told myself that these feelings wouldn't get in my way, but now I wonder if I've been successful.
Even as I'm typing this I am realizing that I've done this too often in other aspects of my life. Is this normal? Does everyone go through this? I've hidden from this issue for a while now. I've needed to "suck it up" and get my act together. I am on the precipice of success finally. It's been a long road, and it still is ahead, but finally I am on my way again after last years detour. Back to the subject.
I wonder if this has left me in an emotionally raw state? I am more in control of myself this time round and I've thought that I was finally through this. So I've put myself back on "the market". Now it is becoming painfully clear that I am just masking it. Aren't we all though? To quote another song "inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on"
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